Thoughts on Korea

Term I: November-February: Wonder
Song: Superman by Norazo
Hailey

What a scary, yet exciting time this was. I almost felt bad for the emotionless departure I had from my parents at Lambert Airport in St. Louis that morning. It wasn't that I would not miss them, because that would be false, I did miss them. I actually probably finally realized just how proud of me my parents were in the year I was away from home. How did I let that happen? I don't know, but I sure as hell appreciate them more now than I ever did. I of course did miss them, but I was so excited to see a new world. I had visited Canada and Cancun for spring break...wow, talk about world traveling and experiencing culture!

I never thought I'd look back once coming to Korea. The first week went by so fast, the week of training. When I think back, despite all the work and not getting out to see any of Seoul, this may have been the best week I had in Korea. There I was, taking a chance, doing something I never thought I'd do. I was about to have my first real-world job. I was going to get paid like an adult. I was going to do something worthwhile. I was going to do something that very few people in the grand scheme of things would ever do. The hope, the anxiety, the feeling of being free, the feeling of responsibility, the wonder, the fear...

My second night in Cheonan, exactly one week after touching down at ICN, was my worst night in Korea. My first night in Cheonan, I had stayed in a love motel with another co-worker, a cheap place that our bosses put up all the new teachers in while we wait for departing teachers to move out of their apartments. The hotel was in a grungy, red light-type district of the city and I wondered if Korea was really as conservative as I had heard.

After a night's sleep, I spent most of the next day at CDI, waiting for the teacher whose apartment I was moving into to leave. I finally moved in that night after running out of things to search for on the internet at work. I began to settle into my room. I accidentally plugged my computer into the wall without putting it through a transformer and fried it. No internet, no music, just a quiet apartment on the other side of the world. Dead silence. My phone was capable of calling the US for over two bucks/minute, but that wasn't really a good option. For the first time in my life, I felt lonely. I felt scared. I wondered what I had gotten myself in to. I felt isolated from everything I had ever known. I don't know if I ever told people that because I wanted to put up a strong front and say everything was great, but that second night in Cheonan was hell, about as low as it has ever been for me.

Things got better the next day, a co-worker and the husband of a co-worker came by in the afternoon, they were on their way to play some soccer and asked if I wanted to go. I was bored as hell, so I went and had a great time. They also told me how close many PC rooms were, so I could easily go to them and get back in touch with loved ones from back home. From there on, my time in Korea got better each day.

One of my co-workers made sure to invite me out to downtown Cheonan for drinks on the weekend and Wednesday night, which I had off for as long as I was there. I began to make friends and I quickly became comfortable teaching in front of a classroom. I wasn't a great teacher, I was nervous, too soft on the students, probably not prepping enough. The work environment was more relaxed than I had expected and I probably took a few too many liberties with how laid back it was. Still, though, I wasn't the worst teacher in the world either. Some students liked me, some students didn't. Most just saw me as a teacher from America. The way most teachers are probably looked at.

One student that I'll remember from my first term is Hailey. I would go on to have her in at least one class a week for three of my four terms, but she is one of those students that stands out, for better or worse. Her skills were above average for her level for the most part. She was a joy to have in class because she was the antithesis of most middle-school students; she was outgoing, talkative, and seemed to have fun in class, she wanted to learn. That said, I know some teachers that didn't like her because, well, she is VERY talkative. You'd almost always have to spend five minutes in class getting her to be quiet or answer questions that she asked, taking me on a tangent from the day's class material. She was the first student to write a "Handsome Joe Teacher" essay, more on those later.

"Superman" was the first Korean song I became obsessed with. I listened to it all of the time. My initial feeling upon coming to Korea was that I was Superman, able to leap countries in a single flight and do whatever I wanted to do.

Term II: March-May: Comfort
Love Generation by Bob Sinclair
Mike

My second term at CDI was really my coming out party. I wasn't the rookie teacher anymore. I had more confidence in myself and was beginning to really settle in. I had met more friends, really settled in with a good group of guys to hang out with. With respect to those I'm leaving out from everyone I met, I spent most of my time with Yun, Jay, Lee, Kevin and the girlfriends. There were beer pong games where I continued with the domination I had in the US (!) and I finally did some things that I had wanted to do since coming to Korea in the first place. I spent my first weekends in Seoul, I went to Busan. My best friends from back home will never be replaced, but that group was now my Korean best friends and life began to move along just like it had in the US for me. The only real difference was the whole language thing, which admittedly was a huge difference. But overall, I was comfortable, really comfortable.

I improved as a teacher. I spent more time preparing for class and the result in the classroom was obvious. I began to think that I could be someone that could win the Teacher of the Term Award, back when I thought it meant something to get it. In the end, there were no winners that term because everyone made at least one critical mistake somewhere along the line, obviously including myself, but again, I now had the confidence to go out and make Term III my best one yet.

When I came to Korea, I never thought I'd be there for more than a year. I was just going to go travel, do this, get some experience, some money, and then return to the US and begin my life. In my second term, I began to think that I really liked it there and I could see myself staying for a second year. I still had time to think about it, though, that decision was three months away.

For the first time in my life, I had my own pet. I waited for a little over a month to adopt a cat from a friend of mine, but when that never really happened, I went to the local animal shelter one weekend and adopted a fat white and black cat that I would eventually name Shades, due to the black on her face appearing like aviator sunglasses. She was a good kitty to have, made being at home fun. Turns out that I don't like having to clean out a litter box, but I did enjoy her company. Before I left, a friend of mine adopted and re-named her. I haven't checked in recently, but I assume she is doing well and being well taken care of, even better than I was probably doing!

I began doing more and more on weekends. The aforementioned trips to Seoul and Busan. More time with friends on the weekend. My e-mail updates back home, which had been weekly, sometimes every other week, began to go out once every three to five weeks as I never made the time to just sit down and type out all that I was up to. Those in constant e-mail contact with me can tell you that I was not very reliable in responding to personal e-mails either. I was living a completely different life from anything I ever had thought of before. It was different, but it was good.

The student I'll never forget from my second term is Mike. Oh, Mike. Mike, Mike, Mike. Everyone had a student like Mike in their class growing up. I had shades of him, but not to the extreme that he was. Mike was a naturally intelligent child. His English ability was very good for his level. He was new to CDI that term and I was his first teacher. He had questions. LOTS of questions. While his English skills were good and he had knowledge on the topics we discussed, his comments never made sense with what we were talking about. He would constantly raise his hand in the middle of my lecture to more or less repeat what I had just said. I would ask him a question about the material the class had just read, and he'd look at me and guess what HE thought about it, instead of telling me what the book told him (because he hadn't read it). Like said, he did know some information, but he had problems focusing on what he needed to do. He quickly became hated by other students in the class, some of which were very mean to him. I always did everything I could to protect him from the other students, but you can't always save someone who so willingly (though unintentionally) throws himself on top of grenades. I'll also always remember his mom, who brought me ice coffee from Starbucks all the time, along with a handful of cakes from Paris Baguette. I always felt bad for Mike when he didn't get an A on his work, though. He knew that not getting an A on his homework or test meant he would get beat when he went home. In Korea, that can be the standard. These kids even get hit in public schools for not doing their homework. The life of a child in Korea is so much different than the life we had growing up. Had I known what it was like in places like this in the world when I was a kid, I certainly wouldn't have bitched about my life. I'll always use that as a tool to tell my future American students about how good they have it.

"Love Generation" became one of my most played songs on itunes. "Don't worry about a thing, it's going to be alright....got the love, got the love" I was definitely not worried about life in Korea any more. I felt the 'love.' Everything was alright. I was definitely happy.

Term III: June-August: Confidence
I Don't Care by 2NE1
Susan/Steve

If Tern II was my coming out party, Term III was my masterpiece. Everything that got better from Term I to Term II improved that much more in Term III. I spent even more time prepping for class, I was a natural in front of the students. My confidence in my teaching ability was at an all-time high. My most hated student from my first term became one of my favorites. Susan, who I recall having these cold, black eyes of death just piercing through my soul every time she looked at me during that first term, had a whole new look. There was a glimmer in her eyes. She laughed at my jokes, she would even participate in class! She was still always late and almost never did her homework, still to the point where I was really shocked when she did complete it, but there was always a joke to be made about her homework status that she didn't loathe.

"Handsome Joe Teacher" essays began to come in for students that had to write A+ Hunter (detention) homework. They always had the choice of a one page paper on the topic of the day, or of the topic of my great looks (sic). Even if these papers were full of lies, it was easier for students to write that than the topics, but they gave me some good laughs, so I let them write them anyway.

My student survey results had become very good. My first term, I had lots of "boring" remarks for personality and overall average marks from them. Second term, less boring, but still some while I had students that either really liked me or really hated me. I'll never forget that Bridge Reading class on Tuesday from Term II. Those kids could be so frustrating and I probably let it show too much in my body language. I had to get on to them a lot and half the class just hated me. The other half thought I was great, but no teacher ever wants to have students hate them. That said, when some of those students found out who their teacher for the next term was, they all the sudden realized they were going to miss me.

Term III brought great remarks on the student surveys. Lots of funny for personality, only a handful of boring and most students gave me very good scores on teaching ability. It was one of many factors that led to me achieving my goal of Teacher of the Term. 5 months later, I see that the award doesn't mean as much as I thought it did at the time, but it's still a nice reward to have. So was the 200,000 won ($170) prize money, which per CDI tradition, went directly into drinks for all my co-teachers at the bars. I love that, regardless of who wins the award, everyone gets a little something from it. We're all teachers on the other side of the world from our loved ones, we all should get some free drinks from time to time.

I was having the time of my life overall. Teaching was going great. Friends were great. Weekends were great. Everything was great. Still, after a lot of thought, I had decided that I was going to return to the US after Term IV after all. I'd leave with fond memories, but no vacation time and the upcoming college football season were really pushing me back to the US. I was coming home, just had to get through three more months!

Steve was a fun student, he started in EC2, our lowest level, even though he could have started at least one level higher. He was definitely a Type A personality and he was the student that I joked around with the most. He was bright, always did his homework, studied and did well on his tests, and understood sarcasm, a lost trait on many Korean students. We would spend down minutes in class trading insults to each other, it was fun, we both enjoyed it.

"I Don't Care" doesn't really have any special lyrical significance to me. For one, save for the chorus, the entire song is in Korean and I have no idea what the girls of 2NE1 are saying. Actually, I do know that the song is a liberating song for a girl who was burned by her 'playboy' boyfriend, but as far as specifics go...I heard a "yoja chingu (girlfriend)" in there, so I know one of the Korean words. During my third term, this song was always played at the bars when we were out and it also had frequent spins on my itunes. I never knew I could listen to a song so many times when I didn't know what any of the words were. At least with "Superman", I mostly watched the youtube video which had English subtitles (which show that the song is actually a parody of Superman). With "I Don't Care," I guess I sat around, listening to a girl band's pop song and just didn't care what anyone else thought.


Term IV: September-November: No Regrets
Hey Ya (OutKast cover) by Obadiah Parker
John/Nicole

My fourth term ranks right up with Term III as far as my most interesting three months in Korea. Now, I was one of the senior teachers on the staff, fresh off that award that I felt so good about, and confident and eager to help out the new teachers who had arrived. Instead of following other, more experienced people around to bars, weekend trips, etc, I was one of those leading others around. I've never been a natural leader and I wasn't exactly excelling in that role in my fourth term, either. I only knew about 40 Korean words and I still hadn't mastered Seoul's subway system, though I would by the time I left.

I finally got the chance to teach high level classes. None had opened up for me in the first few terms as we didn't lose many teachers after my first and second term, but we lost some teachers that taught those levels after my third term and I had improved to the point where I could be trusted/rewarded with those classes. It's a badge of honor, more or less, to teach those courses. There were some real brats in that Eagle Reading class, but there were also some good eggs. John is a student that I'll remember fondly. He transferred out of the bigger Tuesday class full of girls to the Wednesday class, which had three boys in it. I could see signs of myself at that age in John. Shy around girls, not confident, but hard working, a kid that you enjoyed having in class.

As the weeks began to dwindle, I tried the best I could to go do the things that I had not done in my first 10 months. I finally went to the DMZ. I went to a soccer game at World Cup Stadium. I didn't get to any of the hot springs or climb any mountains. I didn't go snowboarding. But I'd like to try and not focus on what I didn't have and instead on what I did have. That was a life I was really enjoying in Korea. Much like I am right now in the US, with only a few weeks before my scheduled return trip to Korea, I wasn't wanting to give up what I had. I was happy and there was a lot more to accomplish. I was going to regret it if I didn't come back and give Korea another year of my life, just to see what would happen. Home would always be there, family and friends will always be waiting for me to come home, but if I went home to that after just one year, what would I be passing up? I went back to my motto, No Regrets. At the end of my third term/beginning of my fourth term, I had the phrase tattooed onto my arm because I believed in it so. No Regrets, I had to give it a shot. I went to my boss, told him I had changed my mind, and after taking a break, I wanted to come back. After about a week of negotiating, I was scheduled for a three month vacation and set to return the last week of February, 2010.

I was excited for future travels. On my three month vacation, I was going to Mexico City with co-workers from Korea for a week, followed shortly after that by a solo trip to Amsterdam. After relaxing in the US, I was going to go to Thailand on my way back to Korea. I was going to jump over to Japan for a week or weekend sometime in my year in Korea. After Korea, I was going to fly to Egypt to see the pyramids, then hop on down to Kenya to go on a safari. I felt that I was doing everything I wanted to do in life, everything was so perfect. I was so happy, I couldn't be contained.

I said temporary goodbyes to my co-workers on Monday, November 16th. I'll always remember that day, what was going on in my head, what was going on in my heart. Myriad emotions and I had no idea what to expect when I left. I stayed at CDI until they began a workshop and then I took off back to my friend's apartment to collect my things and head downtown to the bus station. As I boarded a bus from Cheonan to Incheon Airport, everything hit me. I was emotional. I had tears in my eyes, I was going to miss Cheonan and the people. So many great memories to think about, so much to look forward to when I returned. It had been such a great year, it had finished with very strong pro-Korea feelings. I was excited to go on vacation, but I was still upset to leave.

Nicole, who was great for me one term, then great when she wanted to be the next term, gave me two of her English story books as a parting gift. I did not tell the students I was coming back, but also stressed them not to give me any going away gifts. Still, a handful of students had things for me in our last class together. Inside of Nicole's book, she had written little notes in hard to find places and on the book's last page, asked the question, "How many memos did you find?" and included her e-mail address for me respond to. I haven't done it yet, but I will one day respond to her.

Hey Ya (cover) got many, many spins on itunes. "Thank God for Mom and Dad for sticking two together 'cause we don't know how." Over the course of the year, I had realized just how much my parents had sacrificed to get me to where I am today. I've had every opportunity to do what I want and it's all because of what they've done for me, I've had it so much better than so many people ever will. Really makes me hate how I acted sometimes when I was younger. "Shake it, shake shake ah shake it" - definitely did that. "If what they say that nothing is forever, then what makes, then what makes love the exception?" My time in Korea had been great, maybe I had fallen in love with it after all. I changed my mind from going home to coming back. I wasn't ready to start life in the US after all. I needed more time to experience other cultures and people from around the world. I had more to see and do in Korea, more traveling to do. My best shot at that was to keep on going as is in Korea. But as you'll see in Term V, love indeed is not forever.

Term V: Vacation
The Taste of Ink - The Used

"We get together, oh we get together, but separate's always better when there's feelings involved."

First, I'll continue on with the Hey Ya lyrics for my post Korea thoughts/transition. We is Korea and I. I went, I conquered, I experienced, I didn't regret. We got together for a year and it was arguably the best year of my life. I'd rank my experience in Korea right up there with the best things to ever happen to me. The decision to go was the best decision I've ever made and I learned a lot about myself, both good and bad. All the things I experienced that I never thought I would...it's just incredible when I think about it all. I haven't done much in the way of world traveling when compared to the others, but from my life in the flatness of south-central Illinois, the peaks of Korea's mountains were new heights for me. I was just beginning my ascent to everything I wanted to do and nothing could hold me back now.

I know the video is fake, but the "Where the Hell is Matt?" video on youtube is a personal favorite. I'd LOVE to do that. See every country, do something special, stand out. I fell in love with the song "Praan" that fits so perfectly with the video. I only went to one country while I was away for a year, but it was a way to experience a country in a much more thorough way than any vacation would ever allow. It is fitting that that very song began playing as I typed out that last paragraph. I've since added another Mexico experience to my resume along with the Netherlands, always a dream destination for me. But still, that feels so insignificant to me. Here I was, this kid from a small town in Southern Illinois, seeing the world. Seeing the world? I'm a novice. I've been to three countries other than the US, outside of connecting flights which don't count. I look up to one of the friends I made in Korea, Jay, for all of his world travels. He's been just about everywhere that I want to go already and he's currently spending a year traveling through South America. Last I heard, he was walking on volcanoes and swimming with sharks and dolphins and turtles. That's what I want to be doing. I want to go on an African Safari, I want to go to Antarctica because no one goes there, I want something unique to hold on to that separates me from others. I don't want to be lost in the shuffle.

About a month ago, I was approached about the possibility of cutting my vacation short to go back to Korea to replace a teacher who had a personal issue. I gave it a lot of thought. I collected as much information as possible from both Korea and here and told my boss what it would take to get me back early. In the end, we agreed that I should continue to enjoy my vacation. If he had given me what I wanted, I would be back in Korea right now, maybe.

I really began to look at the pros and cons harder around the time of that decision. I tried to decide if I still felt the personal attachment to Korea that I had when I left. As it turns out, things had changed. I wondered if I made the right decision. I made a very hasty decision to return, all of it in about a week's time. I probably let factors influence my decision that shouldn't have. I couldn't help it. I wish I could go back and give myself more time to think with a clear mind, with months to think about the decision instead of just a short week. My feelings tend to come and go a lot, so making hasty decisions is not a good idea for me.

"But separate's always better when there's feeling involved"

Distance can do crazy things to people. We long for what we're so far away from, while at the same time forgetting about it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? I guess sometimes that's true, other times it's not. I wish I had been able to come home and decide while back here on whether or not I'd return to Korea, but as the nature of the business, that wasn't possible. I made the best decision I could with the information available to me at the time. I gauged how much I missed the USA vs. how much I wanted to be in Korea, then more importantly factored in that it was better financially for me to return to Korea, and my decision was made.

Now that I've been away from Korea, those thoughts and feelings have changed. Where I was once excited to return to Korea, I now cannot help but feel emotionally detached. There are parts of Korea that I want no part of, things that are so much better in the US. There are good people in both places, but now I have to ask myself...where do I feel the most comfortable? Right now, that is 90% USA. I'm not as confident that the money is better in Korea, so Korea really has two big strikes working against it. I was really struggling when making the decision about going back early, not just early, but to even go back at all. After talks with many people, I concluded that I was going through a normal phase that happens during absence from one place, seeing what it's like without, seeing what else is out there. I would feel better about it later and be happy once I got back, so man up and get it done.

But that's not something that is happening for me right now. I'm very uncomfortable with thoughts of returning to Korea right now. One of my co-workers from Term IV was new to Cheonan, coming in from a bigger, more fun area in Seoul. He was clearly having problems with the adjustment. He was bored, he didn't want to be there. He wanted to go home. Sometimes my emotions are hard to read, but when I'm really upset, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve pretty obviously (and do things like type 20 page essays on my emo-ness). I don't want to be like that. If I go back and feel miserable, what am I going to do? It will affect my teaching, making me less effective in the classroom and less enjoyable to the students. It will be obvious that I don't want to be there. It will be obvious when out in social situations that I'd rather be anywhere but there. I don't want to do that to myself, I don't want to do that to other people. I don't want to rain on their parade, get in the way of their enjoyment. I don't want them to worry about how I'm feeling, I want them to enjoy Korea and have the experience that I did. I won't get in their way.

It's not like I have anything set up here in the US that's a better job alternative to teaching at CDI. While I do have some concerns about another year there, the job is a good one and would allow me to pay off loans, save up for travels, etc. That said, I can't let money be the deciding factor. How I feel, where I'm comfortable has to be the deciding factor. People probably blocked my status updates on their news feed because 90% of recent status updates have been on the topic of me bitching about my current, temporary job. On one hand, I'd love to be finished with that job in two or three weeks. On the other hand, now that I'm trying to have a better mood going into work, it hasn't been so bad. I talk to people there more now, making some friends, etc. I won't always have to work 6 or 7 days a week, so it will get better.

I can continue to live at home for a while, which is free rent and near free food to save money. The job won't be forever and I handled it for three months the summer after my senior year of high school. At the latest, I can start something new in the fall, maybe move to Chicago like I'd like to eventually do and start teaching up there.

I'm kind of looking into full-time jobs in the US right now. Currently waiting to hear something about teaching in a tiny town next to my hometown, they might take me on without a teaching certificate while I go back to school to get it. I've been thinking about going to the police academy, becoming a state trooper. I wouldn't even rule out teaching ESL again somewhere, maybe South America, maybe Africa, maybe Thailand...hell, I could even go back to Korea. I wouldn't do that until later this year, or maybe even after Christmas, though.

What is all this? What's going on in my head right now about my future. I need to do one of two things this upcoming week. I either need to decide to stay in the US or buy a plane ticket to Korea. This long, long note is my way of getting all the thoughts out of my head, onto paper, hoping it will help. If I decided to stay in the US, I would feel horrible about backing out of my contract, letting down my boss and other teachers that would have to pick up the slack if a replacement cannot be immediately found. If any of you have been crazy enough to read this from beginning to end...1) get a life! :D 2) Thanks, I'll listen to any advice that you have, I could use it 3) Sorry for taking up so much of your time, but I do appreciate the effort you have given.

It seems like I've made a final decision on returning to Korea three or four times already, but here I am again; the Brett Favre of ESL teaching, a big attention whore, requesting, needing the spotlight. Well, I hope that's not what you think. I am torn, I really am. I really don't know what to do, what I should do. In the end, I will go with where I'll feel the most comfortable with both my immediate and long term future. There will be one more, this time for real, FINAL decision by next weekend.